Pow!

I heard about this video series over the weekend on the KeithandtheGirl.com podcast. You should watch the trailers ...

Nascar and snow shoes

I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas. Santa brought me snow shoes, but Mother Nature's not agreeing. I guess there's still time for the Michigan winter. And it'll probably smack me when I least expect it.

My brother got me Nascar 07 (which conciedently is what I got him) and it's a pretty cool game. I haven't been on the PS2 in awhile, but this is fun. It's hard though, so far I've raced 3 races and ended up dead last twice. The other time I finished second in the pack.

By now I'm guessing you guys have seen the disgusting ugly Crocs. Everyone in my family has a pair. When my brother first saw my dad wearing them he started calling him Nancy Boy. Then my brother tried them on and got a pair. I was the only one left without a pair and my sister got them for me for Christmas - in brown, not a bright color. I'll have to say they're damn comfortable and I don't care what they look like. I wore them to work today. It's like a slipper / sandal / shoe all wrapped into one. I highly recommend them.

Anyway, those are the highlights. I hope Santa was good to everyone. I'm thinking about getting myself a present. But, I just bought my car (well, signed the paperwork, and still need to pay), need to get it new brakes, and have to buy the dog an electric fence. Oh, and I think Julia's getting anxious for a ring, so might have to start saving for that too. So I doubt I get the camera. My sister got a camera pretty similar and it's sweet, so who knows.

Until then, I'll be racing in my Crocs waiting on the snow.

Triple Threat

How was everyone's holidays? Mine was realatively sober - surprisingly enough. Saturday night we did Christmas with at my Aunts for my mom's family, and it was a sleep over so everyone could get drunk. I think all the high school cousins were drunker than me. I had about 1/2 bottle of Crown and didn't really even phase me.

Friday night was the Blue Jackets game with my family. The Jackets won by a goal which is good cause it's probably the only game I'll make it to this year being so far away. They had a Skyline booth at the game and I had a coney, which lead to the Triple Threat, which I invented.

You see, up here we don't have the great restaurants of Ohio like Skyline and Whitey C's. So, After the game and eating the coney, other regular dogs, popcorn, and beer, my dad asks if anyone's hungry. I wasn't. But someone apparently was because we went to Roosters. Being that it's a Columbus restaurant, I doubt you guys have eaten there, but it's like Hooters with better wings. I love the wings there, they're my favorite.

So we go over there after the game and I have a couple more beers and some wings. When we're getting ready to leave, I notice right across the parking lot is a Whitey C's. Damn. I'm absolutly stuffed at this point. But, this is the other thing that I love and can't get up here, so I invent the Triple Threat - Skyline, Roosters, and White Castle. The 3 things I always try to get when home for a weekend.

So I go have a could sliders and pull it off in one day. I'm driving home with my brother and he says 'hell, you did the triple threat in 3 hours, let alone a day.' The next day - let's just say it's good I work at a drug company and had some generic pepto lying around.

Griffey Hurt Already

I don't know how he does it, but he does it. And he does it well.
Leaky Vag

Random Jokes

A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughted. The cat said, "A wet pussy always makes a cock happy."

Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile...

Q. Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?
A. The guy who can hold two cups of coffee and twelve donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?
A. The girl who can get to the twelfth donut.

A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and can't get out. He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but can't find him. The chicken takes the keys to the farmer's Mercedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope to the bumper and pulls the horse out.
A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle. He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells the chicken he has a better idea instead. The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool and he will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.
The moral to the story is: If you are hung like a horse, then you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!

2007 Reds? Calendar

I was at the mall today checking out the calendar store, when I saw the 2007 Reds calendar. I flip it over to the back and see Austin Kearns, Felipe Lopez, and Jason LaRue. That's what I want...a calendar of former Reds rejects. The sad thing is that there were only a few left, meaning people were either too ignorant or desperate to care.

Merry Cap'tmeister!

Good Work

Accenture net income rises 32%

Consulting firm lifts profit forecast, reports $5.5 billion in new bookings

By Alistair Barr, MarketWatch

Last Update: 5:46 PM ET Dec 20, 2006

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Accenture Ltd. reported a 32% increase in fiscal first-quarter net income late Wednesday and also lifted its full-year profit forecast, due to rising demand for its consulting and outsourcing services.

Net income was $284.2 million, or 46 cents a share, vs. $214.9 million or 36 cents a share, the company said. Net revenue came in at a record $4.75 billion in the period, up 14% from a year earlier.

ACN ) lifted its fiscal full-year profit forecast to a range of $1.80 to $1.85 a share, up from a previous estimate of $1.77 to $1.82 a share. The company stuck to a full-year net revenue growth forecast of 9% to 12% in local currency.

New bookings -- an indicator of future revenue and potential profit -- were $5.5 billion in the quarter, with a record $3 billion in consulting, according to Accenture.

"We are seeing sustained demand for our services, particularly in consulting," Chief Executive William Green said in a statement.

Shares of Accenture climbed 2.6% to $35.99 during after-hours trading Wednesday. The stock is up almost 20% so far in 2006.

Alistair Barr is a reporter for MarketWatch in San Francisco.

Colossal Cornhole Meltdown

Ryan and I were in a cornhole tournament for Cancer Free Kids charity on Monday night. Fifty dollar entry fee per team, but it's for the kids (the cancer free ones) so it's a good cause. I don't think either of us expected to win one game. The guys we played were good too. You could tell they played quite a bit. I start hitting the cornhole left and right. I couldn't miss. We end up coming back from being down 11-1 to win the game. The second game, I couldn't hit anything, not even the board. It was dreadful. The pressure got to me. Ryan on the other hand was on fire. One time he hit four holes in a row. I felt bad for letting him down. We could have won that damn tournament if we were on at the same time.

Perfect Gift for Xmas

I'm not a big Justin Timberlake fan but this clip is pretty funny from SNL. Headphones might be needed if you are at work. If you are having trouble thinking of a gift for your girl or maybe just that girl on the side, don't go any further.....


http://www.youtube.com/v/1dmVU08zVpA

Santa Claus - Real or Not?

When were you all told that Santa Claus was not real? I can't remember the exact age but I can remember what happened.

It was a couple of days before Christmas when we lived in Virginia Beach. My older brothers are telling me how Santa Claus is not real. I'm not going to believe them. In my head, I was thinking "If Santa Claus is not real, then who delivers all the gifts. I mean....come on. He has to be real." My brothers kept on insisting he is not real and tell me to go upstairs and check in my parents closest. They said "you'll see presents in there from Santa" No way........but it was true. Santa Claus......you bastard. At that very moment, I called shananigans on it all.......Mr. Claus, Mrs. Claus, the North Pole and all is f'ing reindeer.

The Lunch and Learn Paid Off

I guess my lunch and learn actually paid off this week. I had a lunch and learn that I put together for the ACN yesterday. It was called "Courtesy Flushing: How to Gain a Competitive Advantage?"

The reason I know that it paid off was because I had to take a #2 today again. I almost didn't even make it to the bathroom but that is another story for another day. I guess the Supermans and pizza consumed last night during the Seahawks vs 49ers game was wanting to say hi. So I go into the bathroom and what do I see. Yep...that's right. Only stall #2 is available (kinda ironic). In my head, I'm thinking "You have to be kidding me!" But the pain was bearing down and I had no choice. This time was a totally different story. The freshness in the air during the duration of my visit was superb.

Thank you to all courtesy flushers!

Late Night with David Letterman

I watched the David Letterman show last night because Howard Stern and Gwen Stefani (hot) were on. God that show is awful. I seriously don't think I even cracked a smile, let alone laugh. The jokes were terrible...so dry and not funny. I figured the top ten would at least be decent. It made me want to puke. Here it is:

Top Ten Signs You Are Not One Of The Most Fascinating People Of 2006

10. You're 37, but you still answer the phone, "Hello, mommy?"
9. Only person who'll interview you is Barbara Walters' nephew, Duane Walters
8. You spend your paycheck on strippers and Slim Jim's
7. Favorite topic of conversation? Thumbtacks
6. Al Gore told you to stop drinking on and on
5. Proudest day was when you unscrambled "dgo" in the "Jumble"
4. Your catchphrase is "Can't, I'm allergic"
3. The public adores you -- "The public" being your garage full of raccoons
2. You convened the Iraq study group to determine the state of your underpants
1. You're in charge of onions at Taco Bell

I find numbers 3, 5, and 7 to be especially stupid.

I'm calling for Letterman and Leno (another old, not funny bastard) to be taken off the air. This is ridiculous. Conan rules!

Which Reminds Me ...

My last post reminds me of a sewage disposal company on St. John in the Virgin Islands. My boy Lew Henley - he's #1 in a #2 business.

#1 for #2

Apparently finding an alternative place to do the two isn't only an ACN phenomenon. Be it the mildly used middle stall or the hailed handi-crapper, mankind will always look for an upgrade.

Well, I've upgraded.

Up here, I sit in the basement, and folks treat our bathroom like a corner in the basement. I've had to stand four feet from the urnial before to avoid a puddle of piss - on multiple occasions. The toilets can be nasty enough that I wouldn't wish a homeless drunk to puke in it. There's also a locker room in there, and I've heard stories about dudes resting their packages on the counter while drying off. Nasty indeed.

Well, I've found that the restroom on the first floor in a sparsely populated corner of the building to be much more accommodating. So far much cleaner, and quieter. It is after all, where man does his best thinking. So here's to being the #1 for #2. Rock on alternative crapper.

MacGyver: The Courtesy Flush (Lost Episode)

I believe some people need a reintroduction to the "courtesy flush." Come on....who hasn't seen Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Here's the line from the movie:

Austin: "Who does Number 2 work for?"
Tom Arnold: "That's right! Show that turd who's boss!"
Tom Arnold: "Hey, that sounds kind of nasty. How about a courtesy flush?"

I went to the bathroom today and stall #1 and #3 were taken so I had to be sandwiched in between them both in stall #2. Never a good sign! I sat down and the awful stench immediately hit my nose. Someone hadn't properly used the courtesy flush.

The gas would soon fill my lungs and kill me within minutes so I had to think back to the many episodes I had watched from MacGyver. I didn't have a toothpick, floss, electric tape and a match to devise a bomb but I did have another solution in mind. Problem solved. Hold my breath, breath through my mouth and hope for the intruder to leave soon. Could I make it? Yes, but it was close.

So to all people who go #2 in a public restroom.......First, make sure to watch MacGyver and most importantly please remember to use the courtesy flush.

Stick a Fork in Them

Here's the beginning of the article:

DENVER -- Mike Shanahan's long list of things he must address for the Denver Broncos to recover from their four-game losing streak grew by one very big item Monday when second-year cornerback Darrent Williams suggested some of his teammates don't believe their season is salvageable.
"Some people are ready to hang it up, you know, you can tell," said Williams, a former Oklahoma State star, who didn't name names. "And it's hard when you're losing. It makes everything hard, it makes coming to practice hard. It makes coaches harder on you. It just makes everything harder when you're losing.

The rest is here:

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2694904

Bring in the Goon

The Bengals have a chance to get a wild card spot this year. I already know what is going to happen. The writing is on the wall. The last game of the season is against the Shittsburgh Steelers at Paul Brown Stadium. This game will most likely have playoff implications. Maybe they will have to win it to get in the playoffs. Bill Coward, still jealous of how much better the Bengals and Carson Palmer are than his team and Worthlessburger, decides to send in a goon just as he did last year. "Put him out of the game, muhahahahaha," I can hear him saying already. Then, it happens. Suddenly the stadium is quiet as Palmer lays lifeless on the ground. He leaves on a stretcher and in comes Anthony Wright, who sucks balls so they lose the game. Then Coward chants We Dey in the locker room after the game. Deja vous. I'm calling it now.

Time Warner Cable vs. Dish Network

I have Dish Network now instead of Time Warner Cable, and so far I love it. Here are the advantages I've seen:

- Dish Network has the NFL Network. Time Warner Cable does not.
- Dish Network porn shows everything but the moneyshot. Time Warner Cable porn is basically a softcore rip off.
- Dish Network costs about $20 - $25 less a month for equivalent package.

F Time Warner cable. That's what I say.

Btw - Current broadband (broadband through the electrical outlets) is pretty sweet too...but limited to certain areas right now. It's $10 less a month than Roadrunner.

Dad? Is that you?

I read this article last week and never had a chance to voice my opinion. Apparently, Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is having a baby, which is a conundrum in and of itself. So anyway, as I read more about it, it seems that she was probably artificially inseminated. She has been with her parter for so many years, and I guess they will be the "parents" of the baby. My question is, which one does the kid call mom and which one does it call dad? Is whichever one who has the baby the mom by default? Or are they both mom? That's just f-ed up. I feel bad for the kid. My aunt was artificially inseminated, but she doesn't have a "partner". The kid seems halfway normal, but it has to be pretty weird.

Cheney baby story

#300 - The Superman is Spreading

Oh yes..........The Superman is spreading across the nation. My brother's 30th surprise birthday party was this weekend in Cleveland. A gallon of Bicardi was at the party so I introduced the people at the party to The Superman, the drink that will not only get you drunk but will allow you to fly.

By the third drink, one of my brother's friends summed up the welcoming of The Superman to Cleveland "I thinks it's time to go home and pick up my cape!" That's right, The Superman has taken over Cleveland and will be coming to a city near you soon.

Thank You Denver!

Denver's defense has ruined the hopes for Jesse pulling off the upset and being one step closer to the 2006 Fantasy Football Champion. Jesse unfortunately got matched up with LT in the first round of the playoffs. It was looking good till Denver gave up two TDs to LT in the second half and have slimed Jesse's lead down to 100.32 to 96.50.

The guy he is playing against still has the kicker from the Chicago Bears left. You never know but if Jesse's loses, he can thank the terrible Denver D for their effort.

Smokers Unite!

Yeah, so supposedly they were gonna have this smoking ban go in effect Wednesday night at 12:01. Well, Ryan and I found out yesterday (at this gay Give Back Cincinnati holiday party) that there is some kind of injunction, so you can smoke anywhere. We went to Animations to play pool and tested this theory. It worked. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Oops...I forgot to wear panties

You should check this link out on your home PC. Britney exposes her cooter. Nicely shaven might I add.

http://bestbritneypics.com/britney_upskirt/

WTF?

COLERAIN TWP. – What appeared to be a human foot was discovered at a gas station here Thursday afternoon.

Around 4:30 p.m., the right foot was found next to a diesel pump at a Speedway station at 10235 Colerain Ave.

It was taken to the Hamilton County Coroner’s Office for examination.

No further information was provided and the incident remains under investigation.

Anyone with information is asked to call the Sheriff’s Office at 513-825-1500.

B Griffin?

I was down at Miami last weekend for hockey and booze. I had some good Skippers wings, and plenty of beers, but didn't get into the shots thankfully.

Miami won the game 7-2 and scored 17 seconds in. I had an old crow and coke at CJs for old times sake, yada, yada, yada, nothing too drunk and crazy.

Anyway ...

I'm out at the bars and I swear 4 or 5 times I think I see Brian Griffin. Problem is it's not him, and it's a different dude. Thing is ... I forgot how much everyone looks, dresses, and acts the same at Miami.

All the girls looked like whores. Problem? Not really.

Beerman

I saw this dude at Gameday Cafe on Thursday night before the game. Very creative. I always thought it would suck to be one of those people with a Thurman jersey now that his dumbass isn't even playing. This guy flipped it around and went from stupid to cool without looking back.

Who dey...gonna get arrested?

Reggie McNeal became the seventh Bengal arrested in '06 over the weekend when he was charged with resisting arrest. Read the article. Who dey!

Bengal Badasses

Pass Along the X-mas Spirit

We just wanted to pass along the Christmas spirit from Rick Fayter to you:

http://americanangst.com/dingfries.html

You might have already heard this but I hadn't heard it before.

Holiday Party

The ACN Holiday Party was Friday night. We rented an SUV Limo that fit about 19 because the Holiday Party was at a Marriott all the way in West Chester. Why drive yourself when you can drink and have someone else drive?

Here were the major events from the night:

1) 6:30 pm - Met at Brian Griffin's girlfriend's place for pre-party warmup which included Lasagna, beer and Jack & coke.

2) 7:30pm - 8:15pm: Ride in the SUV limo to the Holiday party. Beer and supermans. Can't miss out on the Supermans.

3) 8:30pm - 11pm: Holiday Party. Socializing......you know the regular BS. Marv was Santa. Jesse and I got to sit on Santa's lap. Lucky us. Appetizers, beer, Canadian Club & Coke, Rum & Coke, 7&7 were inlcuded. Dancing also happened but luckily no pics were taken.

4) 11pm - 12am: Ride in SUV limo to Mt Adams (Longworths). Dancing and more drinking. By this time, I don't think drunk was even the right word for most people after all the drinking that had occurred that night. Inebriated.......might be better.


My night ended with Stacy driving "Slap Happy" Ryan home who was hysterically laughing at basically nothing. Sorry TJ that we were not able to drunk call you. I think we were beyond the point of being able to make a call.

Check out the pics from the Party:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryan_otto_chambers/

Jesse Enjoys It

We went over my buddy Rick Fayter's house yesterday to watch football. He gets the NFL network and has a huge 52 inch TV plus another 32 inch TV right next to it so you can watch multiple games at once. So Rick, Jesse and I enjoyed some football, pizza, wings, beer and Crown Royal and Coke (nickname: Super Superman).

As for Jesse, he may have enjoyed something else. It appears from the picture above (Exhibit A) that Jesse is letting the dog go to town on his leg. That's no big deal but if you look closely at his face you can tell he is enjoying it a little too much.

By the way, sorry TJ on another Denver loss. Seattle 23 Denver 20 on a last second field goal.

Is this sports?

City nears homicide record

BY JESSICA BROWN | ENQUIRER STAFF WRITER

CINCINNATI – With two shooting deaths Sunday, the city has tied last year’s rate of 79 homicides.

The modern record was set in 1971 with 81 murders in a year.

The 78th homicide was discovered at 2:15 a.m. Police responded to a report of a person shot at 515 E. 12th Street in Over the Rhine. They found the victim, Michael Shane Miller, 26, suffering from a gunshot wound. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

The 79th homicide was discovered hours later in Kennedy Heights. Police responded at 5 a.m. to a report of a person shot at 3643 Northdale Place and found David Slaughter, 17. He had been shot and was pronounced dead at the scene, police said.

Cincinnati police statistics show that an average of four homicides a year occur in December, according to data dating to 1968. If that holds true this month, 2006 will be the deadliest year since 1971.

Anyone with information on either of the homicides that occurred Sunday should call the Criminal Investigations Section at 513-352-3542 or Crime Stoppers at 513- 352-3040

*********
notice the part I bolded ... makes it seem like it's sports ... talking about the modern baseball era of steroids or something.