The big white water rafting trip is over and gone. The rafting was great, I almost died. I'll get to that in a minute. I should start from the beginning.
The morning began at a bright and early 6 a.m. Well, at least for me anyway. I decided it was time to get up and start drinking. And boy was it great. I sat out on the porch in a camping chair with my sleeping bag drinking a Bud Light. Just me and my beer and nature. Four beers, a tequila and Coke, and a Jeff's specialty treat later, it was time to get some breakfast and head off to our impending doom. Let me just tell you that at that point, I was less than sober. Much less than.
I had requested Eddie Skaggs for our raft guide, but when we gathered in the morning, I was told that someone else had requested him back in December. That is fine, but how about NOT telling me that I have him when I call to make the reservations. Oh well, the guy we got was pretty cool.
When we boarded the bus, the video guy was telling us all about how they will be filming us and mixing the video with music and whatnot. At that point, I yell out "Alice in Chains". All I can say about that is - less than. The guy just stopped talking after that. I'm surprised they didn't throw my ass off the bus right then and there.
The rafting itself was ok. It was not as good as last year, but it was alright. We came up on the most difficult rapid of the day. At this time, the guide made sure to say that if there was one spot not to fall in, it would be this spot because there isn't really any safe place to go if you do. We had just hit the first rapid when I go flying off the damn raft. This is where it gets a little hazy. I came up out of the water looking around for the raft. What was weird was I wasn't panicking at all. I felt an extreme calm come over me. It was almost as if I was prepared to die. I look up and see the raft right behind me. Everyone was yelling and shoving their paddles out for me to grab ahold of. But I didn't reach. I just sat there in the water like a deer in headlights. Finally, I grab ahold of one of the paddles and Jeff (aka the Incredible Hulk, aka the Asian American Angel) yanks my ass up on the raft. So now I'm just laying in the middle like a big fat blob watching everyone else do all the work. Once we got out of that set of rapids, I was told that I was very close from the raft slamming my head into a rock. I don't think I was supposed to survive that trip. It was my time. I was headed to a better place...er...maybe?
On the last set of rapids, the guide suggested we do something funny for the video camera. So, one side of the raft (on the near side of the cameraman) stood up and bent over with their bums in the air. The other side stood up and gave the "smacking that ass" motion. Ryan was giving it to me like a champ, which is very disgusting and gay...yet hilarious. The raft guide stood straight up, and started giving a vigorous jerking off motion with his paddle. Somehow all of this still made the video. Don't ask me how.
I've already written a book, so I will end it with some other quick notables/memories from the trip:
- Dane Cook Retaliations CDs ("Let's Do this, I'm a Cashew")
- Brian's sister
- Brian knocking a poor woman's food out of her hands
- Brian's sister almost knocking food out of someone else's hands while imitating her brother
- Ordering pizza to the campsite
- Two Bacardi and Cokes = Superman; Three Bacardi and Cokes = Oblivion
- Smoke a Bowl Hole (aka the Batcave)
- Shoney's Breakfast/Lunch Buffet
- The Choy Bros. - aka Cheech and Chong
- Jeff ruined the meaning of Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" for everyone
