What are the origins of "Coming out of the closet"?

I was just thinking about this today but why the hell do they call it "Coming out of the closet." It really doesn't make any sense. I think someone needs to research this. Is it because the first gay in history that made it public that he was guy actually came out of a closet to make his introduction. Just a random thought.

More Bathroom Talk

This is a two part artcile:

You've probably heard the saying, "Don't judge a book by it's cover." Well, you probably shouldn't judge a book by its cover but you can surely judge a restaurant by it's bathroom. Think about it. The way the restroom at a restaurant is kept up and how nice it is can tell you alot about how much the people take care of the food. I've even seen nice restaurants with dirty bathrooms where pee is everywhere and nothing is cleaned up. It would surprise you. You might think I'm crazy but it's the truth. So the next time you happen to go into a restaurant and eat. Take a look at the bathroom before you take that first bite.

Story number two comes to us from lightbulb that went off in my head while taking #2 in the bathroom today. I know how Jesse doesn't like for people to see him go into the stall and then make loud noises. But think about this. If you memorized the shoes that everyone wears, you would always know who's in the stall. Then you would be screwed. Or just by looking at the shoes you could probably narrow down to who it is. So the next time you are in the bathroom, Jesse, you better think twice before you lay down the bomb!

Parking Garage Lady Part Deux

May I once again stress how much I despise the parking garage lady. Yesterday, I come in and give her the money. She gives me my change and my ticket. I'm thinking wow she did it this time...good job. But, she forgets one vital key to this exchange. You see, what I'm paying for is admission to the parking garage. Well, I can't quite accomplish that when she doesn't open the gate. I'm sitting there for a minute and she looks over and says, "Oh I forgot to let you in." I shake my head and drive on through. Now, a normal person would say, "She just made an honest mistake..blah blah blah." But that isn't the end of the story. I come in today and give her the money, I get my change and ticket, and then I'm just sitting there. Meanwhile, shes inside her booth fiddling around with something. I said, "Hello? Are you going to let me in?" She says, "Oh I'm sorry, I forgot." Listen, I hate to be a jerk, but if you can't do your job and your job is that simple, you deserve to be canned. I can't believe it. I have to think she is f-ing with me. She can't seriously be that stupid. Or can she?

Bathroom Humor? Part Deux

I was sitting on the throne today and I had just finished my business when I look over and see two empty toilet paper rolls in the dispenser. I realize at this point that I am f-ed, and I frantically begin plotting my next move. I look around on the floor for any scraps of tp I may salvage. Nothing. Newspapers or magazines? Not a chance. After more thought, I decide I have two options: 1. I can wait for someone to come in and ask them for help. "Hey man, uhh...little help here please. I need tp for my bunghole." or 2. I can do the pants dance (not to be confused with the no pants dance) to the next stall. No one is in the bathroom at the time, so I decide to chance option #2. Drawers down around my ankles, I quickly waddle over to the middle stall all while praying that no one comes in during this awkward moment. Thankfully, I made it and all was well. I will never take for granted that there is an endless amount of tp again. I guess I always assumed with two rolls in every stall that it would never happen. But you know what they say - never assume, it makes an ass out of u and me.

Bathroom Humor?

Several bathroom moments I feel I have to share.

Have you ever had to take a 2 and someone sees you before you can get behind the stall door into the concealed throne area? If someone sees me, I have to wait for that person to leave the bathroom. Somehow I feel like I would be embarassed for farting or having an assplosion. You never know how that person would react. They could hold a grudge against you and not long after your incident, you are know known around the office as Sir Fartsalot or Captain Diahrrea. So, to avoid this awkwardness, I wait patiently, though sometimes it can be rather painstaking.

In contrast to this situation, if someone enters the bathroom after I have already shrouded myself with the safety of the stall door, I tend to try to make as much noise as possible, occasionally adding grunts of pain and relief for added effect. Does this make me a sick person? Possibly, but it doesn't bother me if you guys know I'm a twisted individual. You probably do the same thing.

I'm sure you've noticed that the urinals here at work do not have the barrier separating them in order provide a little more privacy. For this reason, I cannot use the urinal if someone is using the other one. I get stage fright. Nothing happens until that person leaves. I have to use the regular toilets. And then I feel like I'm disrespecting the person who was using the urinal. I mean, he's probably thinking "What, is this guy too good to take a leak beside me? What did I ever do to him. You know what? To hell with him. I don't want to do business with a guy who can't even drain the lizard beside me." Maybe I'm putting too much thought into this but thats just the way it is. Maybe I'm scarred for life from the time the gay guy was checking out my Johnson at a rest area on the way back from White Water #1.

I can't believe I just wrote this crap down.

Screw Punting

I know I do too much NFL research but this is a pretty interesting article about punting:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=easterbrook/060926

Here's a little section from the article:

Think about all those punts on fourth-and-1, fourth-and-2, fourth-and-3. The average NFL offensive play gains about five yards. Yet game in, game out, coaches boom the punt away on short yardage, handing the most precious article in football -- possession of the ball -- to the other side. Nearly three-quarters of fourth-and-1 attempts succeed, while around one-third of possessions result in scores. Think about those fractions. Go for it four times on fourth-and-1 -- odds are you will keep the ball three times, and three kept possessions each with a one-third chance of a score results in your team scoring once more than it otherwise would have. Punt the ball on all four fourth-and-1s, and you've given the opponents three additional possessions. (It would have gotten one possession anyway when you missed one of your fourth-and-1s.) Those three extra possessions, divided by the one-third chance to score, give the opponent an extra score.

So close!

Vick let me down. I lost this week 119.72-118.98. So close! I had the second highest points this week in the league, but lost. Next week I have about 4 or 5 guys on bye so most likely I'll lose two weeks in a row. Boo.

Fat part II

I just got back from the bar in town - well, there are about three or four, but the only one that's worth a shit tonight. I was up there to watch Mike Vick hopefully score me 12 for my fantasy team. That's all I need to win. He's playing like shit.

Anyway, I get there about an hour before the game because I was gonna eat. Well, I find out during the game wings are $.25 and burgers are $1.50. I'm chugging beers waiting on the kickoff when finally the game gets underway so I order a dozen wings. Mmmmmmmmmm. 'Blow your Horn off' is the flavor I got - the hotest. Pretty good. Not as hot as I would've thought though.

So a dozen wings and 4 or 5 beers later I decide I need a burger. Well hell, not just one burger, but two. So I eat two burgers.

So much for trying to get / stay skinny. Big Willy's coming back!

By the way ... hell with Vick. I should've started little Manning. I would've won.

Our BIG Break

I had a stroke of genious last night. It came to me out of nowhere. Its our big break. And why am I telling you if I can take this idea and become rich myself? Because I need your money of course! You need money to make money. Anyway, here is the idea...

They say big things come in small packages, but this saying doesn't apply here. A more appropriate saying would be if you build it they will come. So what do we build? That I don't know. But that is a minor detail. The important thing is whatever it is, it has to be the world's largest of that particular thing, in this case lets say widget. By building the world's largest widget, we have brought fame and fortune to ourselves. Beside the world's largest widget will be a world's largest widget gift shop and possibly a world's largest widget restaurant. People will come from miles around and tell me, who is more free with their money than tourists. Thats right. Nobody. Plus, not only will we be on TV, our names will go down in history.

Sometimes I'm so smart I scare myself.

Round Two

Alright fellas, I'm ready for round two. I've been looking at flights on the weekends from about December through March. It's around $350-$375 to fly out there from Cincinnati and Kalamazoo. I also looked at hotels and we could prob spend any where upwards of $120 depending on how close and where on the strip we want to stay.

Who's in and when do we want to go? I'm starting to save now. I'll try to gamble less and get lap dances.

Tom Green's Back

I showed Jesse this the other day but if you like Tom Green, you have to check out the clip below from Mania TV......it's hilarious.

http://www.maniatv.com/tv/TapoutTapout


Mania TV has old clips of the Tom Green show and clips of his new show.

Tieme Saver

Have you guys ever seen the guys who tie their tie on the way to work? I have seen several guys lately walking up from US Bank Arena while tying their tie. I want to know what is going on inside the old noggin in these folks. "Oh, I'm running a few minutes late honey. I know...I'll tie my tie while walking to work. Yeah! That will save me at least two minutes. Brilliant!" Or maybe its "F-ing tie. I hate you. I'm only going to wear you as long as I have to. Your coming back off on the walk down biatch!" I don't know why I brought this up. I thought for sure you would only see something like that in the movies. Maybe I'm crazy.

The Revolving Mystery

It seems to me that some people cannot figure out the revolving door, when in fact it is very simple. I have seen several outrageous approaches that I will detail below:

The Cautious Approach: This person actually waits for everyone else to get out of the revolving door before attempting it himself. Whether scared to death he is going to somehow get stuck in the same section as another person or he doesn't feel he can keep pace with the other person, he prefers to play it safe. This type of person wears a seat belt while mowing the lawn.

The Timed Approach: This person stands there with a worried look on his face and moves his head like someone watching a tennis match. He attempts to calculate the precise moment that he should jump into the whirling frenzy. This type of person is good at math.

The Teamwork Approach: This person meets eyes with someone on the other side. They give the "help me out here buddy" look as if to say if we both work together, we can do this without anyone getting hurt. They also make sure to check on the speed of the other person to make a more unified approach as if they were one. This type of person is dependent and always follows.

The Total Avoidance Approach: These people are of two types. The one person is so scared to death of the revolving door that he avoids it altogether. He either uses the regular door or does not go inside at all. The second person is the rebel. He sees the sign that says "Use Revolving Door" and spits in the face of the person who made that sign. He feels this is his way to put it to the man.

The Normal Approach: This person walks through the friggin revolving door with no problems.

New Digital Camera Button

Here's the new digital camera button that is on all the new cameras. It's on my camera too. When you are out for a late night of drinking, don't forget to turn on the "Instantly Drunk" option. It's just as easy as flicking a switch and your camera turns sober people into drunk people in your photos. Take for instance the picture of TJ laying on the ground. That wasn't the picture I took. He was actually standing up and smiling at the camera when I took that picture but you would never know with the "Instantly Drunk" option turned on.

Think about it. With the flick of a switch on your camera, you could turn a total lame party into a drunken fiesta. What could be better?

Mullet on the Run...

but it can't escape from Big Country!

Sighting details
- Location spotted: 4th St. and Main St.
- Location shot (camera): 4th St. and Vine St.
- Total hunting time: ~ 3 mins
- Approximate age: 45
- Occupation: Businessman? (oxymoron in an of itself)
- Mullet type: Ponytail mullet

Pimp Your Cubicle

No one likes spending the majority of their waking hours in a cubicle. But just because your cubicle has less square footage than your bathroom at home doesn't mean you can't live large.

While you bide your time waiting for the corner office, we've collected a few cube gadgets to make cubicle life a little more tolerable:

Check out the full article here!

Jesse's Mom's Cookies

I had to put a post up about Jesse's Mom's cookies. She definitely makes the best cookies I have ever had. Sorry Mom......but Jesse's Mom's are unmatched. TJ: If you have never had Jesse's Mom's cookies, you are missing out. They will have little delicious dancing cookie fairies dancing in your head all day. And don't get me wrong, trying to work and have little fairies in your head can be dangerous!

Conspiracy Theories

I was talking to Jesse today and he said that he just starting listening to this guy on the radio who discusses politics and what not. I just forsee in the very near future that Jesse will be spouting off conspiracy theories. I can't wait. BTW.....Jesse, you need to come over when you get a chance and listen to a voice message you left on my phone from Vegas. I can't even repeat half of the words you said :)

Searching for Concrete, Found Heaven

Tracie is the queen of "accidentally" stumbling across porn when trying to look up supposedly clean, innocent information on the web. Take today for example. She says she was searching for "basement concrete foundation repair" on Google. She clicked on the first link that was returned. Here is the link:

Tracie Bad

Now, at first glance it looks harmless. But if you scroll all the way to the bottom, you will see that it certainly is not. Its quite disgusting actually. She even taught me a trick that if you refresh the page, the pictures change. That is just wrong. How did she know this? I believe she may be one sick, twisted individual living her life in the red. Or maybe thats me who couldn't help but refreshing the rest of the afternoon.

Vegas Baby

The picture above......Could it be due the fact that the information from SAP TechEd overwhelmed his brain and made it explode or could it be that we drank all night plus drank a forty walking down the strip.? You be the judge. Here are the rest of the photos from Las Vegas:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/ryan_otto_chambers

What happens in Vegas ...

gets posted on the TJR! This dude was at the Frontier and he was one hot piece. So I had a threesome with him and the chick in the card.

We all know I was there for class. And it was pretty good - learned about some cool new stuff SAP has coming, just wish we could upgrade to use it. But since this ain't a technical blog, I won't bore you with that.

We all know I lost $180 in roulette. Bastards. I think I was down about $200 or $220 over all. I try to justify it by saying that I didn't have to pay for room or board.

Ryan and I went out pretty much every night. I went to bed at 3am, 5am, 1am, and 4am, so not a bad run considering I had to be at class and sober by 8 each day.

Some of the highlights ...
The conference - yea, it was actually good

The Venetian - what an amazing hotel - two tvs, two beds, a couch, two chairs, coffee table, dinner table and chairs, desk, printer, shower and seperate tub, two sinks and the shitter was in its own closet - which had a phone

The Wynn - home of HOT cocktail waitresses and quick drinks, esp at the penny slots

The blowing up midget slot machine game - I don't really remember the name, but I won a $23 dollar jackpot and an $11 jackpot on it. Which is pretty good if you extrapolate out a penny to say a quarter or dollar. I'd have been rich.

The cigar I bought after winning the $23 jackpot. I don't even like smoking them, but I had a beer and had just won some money so I figured what the hell. My mouth tasted like turd in the morning

Geocaching - Ryan and I walked basically through a sandstorm and the ghetto to get it. The wind was blowing so hard it blew my ass backwards a couple times and blowing sand in my eyes.

Lots of free food

Lots of free booze

I crashed an ACN party - free beers

Hanging with Tami

Drinking a Budweiser 40, eating McDonalds nuggets, and talking to a Vegas Sherriff while laying on the sidewalk on the strip.

Walking through the drive through at McDs.

Blueman group - I'm kinda on the fence about this. Some parts were really cool. But they threw all this paper on me and it pissed me off which kinda ruined things.

******
And the disappointments ...
My winnings, or lack of

Missed the strip clubs

Not having Big Country to force us to going to one anyway

Pics

The North East

As you guys know, the vacation is over. We had a great time and only got rained on once or twice. We did some hiking, but Julia almost killed me on a couple. She doesn't like hiking up hill. I do becuase I like to see the view from the top. I think anymore hikes in the future up hill could be detremental to our relationship.

Some of the highlights ...
camping - I always love to camp and sit around the campfire and read at night with a beer, though I had trouble getting a fire started a couple times

backpack food - yeah, really, it's tasty. At least the beef stroganoff. How easy is cooking when all you have to do is add water

sunrise on Cadillac Mtn. - cold and windy, but we got some good pictures

lobster - Lobster bisque, lobster stew, lobster alfreado. It's great.

driving on the ocean floor - Bar Harbor, ME is named because a sandbar that runs from the mainland to an island is uncovered at low tide and you can drive across it all the way. Just make sure you're back before the tide comes in

LL Bean - we went to the main LL Bean store and I was in heaven. I even got my picture on an LL Bean boot.

geocaching - did plenty of geocaching, 10 I think.

driving up Mt. Washington - the highest peak in the North East. The road takes 25 min to drive 8 miles up. No guard rails. Pretty cool though, supposedly the highest wind speed recorded in the US was up there. I'm a dork.

Laying on the rocky coast reading a book and watching the tide roll in

hiking - we hiked up a couple mountains. Not the tallest mountains around, but they have the word 'mountain' in their name. That counts for something, right?

***
One disappointment though - we didn't see any wildlife beyond seagulls, chipmunks, and a squirrel. I get that here. Oh and Julia got food poisoning and I had a cold all week. So a couple others.

Here are the pics from the trip.

Tequila Kills

This is from Marvin's B-Day weekend. Damn that was a rough one.

Adding to my redneck wardrobe

Check out my new shirt I got at the fair. Its sure to piss some people off.

Mullet Mania at the Morgan County Fair

I went back home yonder for the Mulletsville fair last weekend. It was a blast. Mullets, carnies, babies pushing babies, deep fried everything, demolition derby, rough truck contest...the list goes on and on. Before I went, I made a list of things that I had to eat. I carried it around with me and crossed it off as I went. See below.

To Eat List
- elephant ear
- onion blossom
- pizza (2 slices consumed)
- half pound jumbo burger
- steak sandwich
- ice cream cone
- snow cone
- fresh squeezed lemonade (4 cups consumed)
- french fries
- corn dog
- cotton candy (none)
- candy apple (none)
- peanuts (none)

I only missed a few of the items on the list. We're only talking about five hours of total time over two days, so I guess I didn't do too shabby.

She sure can stroke it!

Michelle Wie is hot. Sorry. I had to get that one off my chest. Haha. I said chest. Point here is keep me away from your children. I think this chick is 16 but looks like a fully developed woman. What is this world coming to? I heard a study the other day that said something about most kids having sex before they are 14. They also said girls are starting to have their period around 9 and 10 years old and develop breasteses around the same time. And...get this...a new product about to hit the shelves...wait for it...wait for it...thongs for 5 year olds. I'm not kidding you. It makes me want to puke. This world is f-ed man. No wonder there are so many child molestors out there because we continaully oversexualize children. What do you expect? Not to mention all the rap songs these days that are about oral sex and god knows what else. Sorry...I'm rambling here...should take my conservative views elsewhere I suppose. Point here being when I start looking at girls like Michelle Wie and think "Me so horny" there is something wrong. And I don't think its just me.

What happens there stays there...hopefully

What do Ryan, TJ, and Elton John have in common? They are all "going down" in Vegas. Right now, TJ is probably putting it in Ryan's slot machine. Push his button because there ain't no lever to pull. I'm so f-ing bitter and jealous. "Hey Jesse, guess what? I get to go to Vegas." "Hey Ryan, guess what? Go f yourself." I'm sorry. I'm angry by nature. The thing that gets me the most is neither of you are getting a hooker. Whats up with that? That would be the first thing on my list. Oh, btw - when its midnight there, its 3 a.m. here.

Greetings from ... ME

Howdy and greetings from Maine. Yup, here I am on vacation, and what am I doing? Hitting up the TJR for all the latest news. And it sounds like Big Country got some big time lovin. Julia's up in the hotel room asleep and I came down to the business center to check up on the fantasy football team - bench Portis because of an injury and start rookie Wali Lundy of the Texans (ouch) because being a football GM means you're never really away from work.

I just got back from dinner at a classy joint. I'm talking entrees in the $20s, candles on the tables, lots of wine, etc, and there I am wearing a dirty ass baseball cap, and a tshirt. But not just any tshirt. Remember one drunken evening after work - In Between - the Miller tshirts - matters. I tried to do T&A, but they wouldn't take it. Anyway, I'm there in my ratty 'Beer Matters' tshirt. With Miller crossed out. And 'That's why I drink BUD!' scribbled sloppily in red Sharpie. Class boys. I brought class all the way up here to Maine.

Alright - back to the team. I think Hines is getting benched. Between Big Ben being out and him being hurt himself, even if he plays, I doubt he does much.

Adios.

Country Lovins

Its been a while boys, but Labor Day weekend the stars aligned for Big Country. A girl I went to college with came back from Chi-town to the Nasti to visit her folks. Now, here's a little background on this chick before I get started. This girl is pretty weird. She's one of those artsy types. She says and does off-the-wall shit. In college, my friends and I actually referred to her as my stalker because she appeared to have some kind of obsession with me. But I was never really interested in pursuing her because I was dating other girls.

So anyway, I'm piss drunk one night several months back. I decide to start emailing some girls I knew in college. I send her an email to see what she's up to now and whatnot. A few days later she replies and tells me she's going to be in town on Labor Day weekend and we should hang out. So, I said yeah sure why not. Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?

YADA
YADA
YADA

So now I'm worried she's going to start emailing/calling me all the time. Plus, she knows where I live. I'm kind of scared. On the other hand, she only comes back every now and then, so maybe this is a good arrangement afterall.

The important thing is Big Country is back! And the chops are here to stay! Its gotta be the chops...

Strippers Raise School Funds

Here's a quote from the story, 'In This Town, Money Is Money'. Strippers giving back to the community. And you thought all they did was strip......you crazy guys!

http://articles.news.aol.com/news/_a/strippers-raise-money-for-las-vegas-area/20060831233609990001?ncid=NWS00010000000001