ACN Objectives

It's that time of year again...

Jesse's Objectives for year 2007-2008
1. Don't get fired.
2. Find another job before you break Objective #1.
3. Come to work at least two days a week.
4. Don't curse at the client.
5. Wear pants.
6. Create a Word document.
7. Be a best people.
8. Be a Basis ninja...or if possible, a Chuck Norris.
9. Become a Senior Executive.
10. Don't drink booze at work.

I'm turning Japanese...I mean Indian

I volunteered as a coordinator for the Indian dudes who are visiting the Center. That probably wasn't the best idea coming from the top, now that I think about it. I'm worried I'm going to corrupt them. Last week, I took them shopping, to a Reds game, to the NewPage outing at a winery, to the zoo, and to the airport to get yet another Indian dude. In that time, I have enlightened them to the world of American women, alcohol, drugs, gambling, swearing, and everything else I consider holy. There were more than a few times where I could tell I had either offended them or completely crossed the line. All I know is that I have to deal with them on a daily basis, as well as Joe (Chinese). Every day is like a f-ing MNG event for Big Country. Oh yeah...and I'm taking them to Hooters tomorrow. I'm going to hell.

Sow my royal oats

I don't know what it is, but I have been extremely horny lately. Possibly it's the scantily clad women in the summertime. Half the time I feel like I would do just about anything, if you know what I mean. I go to Gold's gym and it's like tang land. I have to try and tone my excitement down because I have gym shorts on and god knows they don't hide it. Dana even noticed today that I am more "on the prowl" than usual. I think it has been almost a year since I've had any "fun", if you know what I'm saying. Hell, if it wasn't for porn, I wouldn't even remember what it looks like. I think I need to lower my standards or something. I have "too much to give" and no one to give it to. Good lord, please help me.

On the cutting edge...

I got one of those new darfangled computer-ma-bobs. It's an HP, and it has the fancy swipe your finger to login type of deals. I'm just wondering if the government is tracking me now somehow. All I know is I better not look up any porn. God knows I love it.

In the land of the midgets...

The other day I was wondering who would be the king in the land of the midgets? Is it the shortest or the tallest midget? And what is the cutoff point for being a midget? There has to be a height and/or weight requirement. I mean, there has to be borderline migets right? And what do you call those who don't make the cut? Do the midgets look up to the tallest one? Or is it the shortest one? Maybe they ridicule the tallest one. Like he's not midget enough. He's an outcast in midgetland. "Go live with the real people you mother f***er." I think this type of thinking has to go on. What a strange but intriguing group of people. All I know is I want to make a t-shirt line devoted to midgets. There is the shirt that says, "I (heart) midgets". Then there is the one that says, "Midgets are pets too." "Midgets: they're like children with mustaches and a drinking problem." I could go on and on...

Party like it's 1999!

I don't know what y'all used to listen to back in the day, but Julia and I met up with some friends and another couple who's new at her work to to see Collective Soul, Live, and the Counting Crows Saturday night up in Grand Rapids. It was at the minor league park up there - really nice place for a minor league stadium.

I should've know I was going to be a jerk from the time we backed out of the drive way and I was inches from running smack into our friend's car. There was a pile of mulch in the drive way, so I whipped around it and the front end of Julia's jeep just missed their car ... not a good start.

Well, eventually we got up there after dinner and eventually got through the beer line and got the biggest plastic cup of beer I've ever seen in my life. Collective Soul is rocking out while we drink our beers, but it takes almost the whole time they're playing to get the beer.

Live's up next and I grab another beer as soon as they start. Then's when I started getting rowdy. Not drunk at all, but had a big beer or so in me and people were jumping around and singing for Live and I'm swearing at people. Some chick came up and grabbed my ass and asked what the blanket was for Julia and I had. I said it was to bang on right there during the concert. Except I think I was probably a little more explicit. The she grabbed some other dudes ass, and I yelled something about how he wouldn't like that cause he's flaming. And I'm dropping the F bomb like it was 2003 back at the ACN digs. Eventually the new girl that Julia works with and her fiancee walk away from us. I don't know if it was my swearing or singing. Either way, I was enjoying things.

Live was great, they rocked the shit out of their songs. Until one song when the lead singer started singing the word 'love' over and over again. I yelled something about not getting gay on us. They he said he was sending it out overseas for peace and I yelled something about seeing the insurgents dropping their weapons as we sing. Come to think of it ... that's about the time the other couple walked off. We didn't see them anymore.

Cut to Counting Crows - they blew and we left early. Even though that's the band I wanted to see most, but damn, they sucked.

The Hole Was Too Tight

I stopped in at KKD (Krispy Kreme Doughnuts) last night after getting fitted for two suits. I figured I needed to reward myself for having dudes measuring around my balls for pants. I ordered the normal dozen that I get there. I asked the lady to get them right after the icing - before they even hit the cooling line. The cooling line is where they normally give you the hot donuts from because they're still warm. Well, I wanted as fresh as can be, so as soon as they slipped through the icing, she put them in the box for me.

I got those and my bottle of milk and sat down to donut euphoria. I polished off the first 6 easy without thinking. By this point they were getting to the normal hot temperature that you get them at. Two more and I was getting a bit full. I hadn't had dinner though. I think 8 or 9 is the most I've put down before, but those were usually after dinner. I figured if I'm gonna ever plow through all 12, it'd have to be tonight when I hadn't had any dinner.

The next two went down pretty slow, but still manageable. That left two and a couple swigs of milk. I literally felt like puking during the last donut and a half but I did manage to put them away. I felt so proud. I stood up, wobbled over to the garbage to throw away the box - got some looks from everyone else in there since I was throwing away a dozen box by myself. It wouldn't fit the garbage. They have the round opening cut on the top to prevent trays from going in the trash. Well, it also prevented boxes for a dozen from going in. Apparently that doesn't happen often. I had to stand there and mash it all up in front of everyone in line to get it in. The damn hole was just too tight. I eventually got it in there though and wobbled out to my car to drive home.

A few hours later I got sick and had to puke. Related to the donuts? Probably. Oh well, sometimes you just gotta gorge yourself on donuts.

You'll have to spend some more time walking around downtown ...

Cincinnati police say James Barbour and Carol Walters picked a very public place to have sex -- the median of a busy downtown street during rush hour.

Someone called Cincinnati's 911 center at 4:57 p.m. Wednesday to report a possible rape in the median at 200 West Central Parkway.

When police arrived, though, they said they found Barbour, 37, having sex with Walters, 48, who was wearing nothing but a T-shirt.

The arresting officer, who charged them with public indecency, reported he could see the pair "from the roadway."

Golf Scramble This Weekend

I pumped for the golf scramble this weekend. I think we might have a chance to win this thing. Righttttttt! Atleast we will be able to get drunk and golf. Can't beat that. Should be cool to go to Argosy too. Never been there yet.

Groundhog's Day

When I go to work in Dayton everyday, it feels like Groundhog's day. It feels like I just do the same thing each day. I go to sleep, wake up, go work out, eat breakfast, go to work and then start over all again. What fun! I hope my whole life is like....YEPPPEEEEEEE!

Rowdy

"I'm not helping anybody but myself and this team for winning races. I'm not helping Jeff Gordon; I'm not helping Jimmie Johnson and Casey Mears."
-- Kyle Busch, who obviously has no intention of helping his Hendrick teammates during the second half of the season

This Bud's for Me

I got into a 22 man (well, 21 dudes and one chick) poker tourney Friday night. Some dude Julia worked with had people over to his place ... real nice basement room for 4 poker tables, nice pool table, and a room with a couple leather couches and a big flat screen.

Anyway, buy in was $50, you could add-on an additional $20 worth of chips, and then if you go broke, you could rebuy $20 worth of chips as many times as you want in the first hour and a half. Well, I bought in my $50, and after a bit, added on the $20 because everyone else was. I figured if I was gonna hang around I'd need the same amount of fire power. Well, I get bent over on a couple good hands in a row. I bust out ... all my chips. I buy in for another $20 and end up busting that out after not too much longer. I got into a good pot, had not many chips left, but dealt King / Jack I think, caught two more Kings on the flop, went all in, and some bastard caught a flush on the river to beat me. I think I was the 4th or 5th out. Sorry ass night.

The guy that knocked me out finished second. The one girl there - the guy's wife who hosted got 4th. But I hung out the rest of the tourney and drank ... Bud. Out of all those people who almost all brought beer, I was the only one drinking the King. I guess no one else has the same taste as us hillbillies. There were all these expensive beers people were drinking. Oh well, the King works for me.

I don't think you'll find your average redneck with this ...

Details on Taser's XREP electric shotgun shell emerge

Posted Jul 10th 2007 3:49AM by Nilay Patel
Filed under: Misc. Gadgets

We first saw Taser's XREP Extended Range Electro-Muscular Projectile shotgun shell when it was demoed to the military a little more than a year ago, and with the shells about to go into field testing, some more information is starting to come out. XREP projectiles fire out of a standard 12-gauge shotgun, deploying three fins for stability while they fly toward the target. Once they hit, the four barbs on the tip deliver enough juice to drop the unfortunate victim for about 20 seconds -- and if the perp tries to grap at the projectile and pull it off himself, the XREP's reflex engagement electrodes discharge through his hand, causing "overpowering Neuro Muscular Incapacitation." Field testing is expected to go on for six months to a year starting this fall -- would-be rioters had better get their kicks in soon.

Little Gordon II

I went to the Reds game by myself on Sunday. I figured I didn't have anything to do, and they had a chance to sweep a series. I kept giving this kid a hard time and calling him little Gordon. I bought a couple of Pepsis and doctored 'em up with some Beam. I was getting a little rowdy and betting money with the guy beside me. I bet $5 that Griffey would hit a homer and then we were betting on who was going to win the game, if there would be any more homers in the game, if Hatteberg would get another hit, just some outrageous crap. I think I donated like $20 to that dude. Doh well. It was pretty fun.

Reds put out fire sale sign
Posted: Friday July 06, 2007 08:22AM ET
Scouts say the Reds are alerting other clubs that everybody on their roster is available except Aaron Harang, Homer Bailey, Josh Hamilton, Alex Gonzalez and Brandon Phillips.

Double the Pleasure

Dudes!!! So, get this. I meet Dana and her friends in Mainstrausse on Tuesday night. I get down there and I see someone who I think is Hillary. Then, I see Hillary. I did a double take. It so happens that Hillary has an identical twin, Jocelyn. Dana has been keeping this juicy tidbit from us, apparently because of everyone's obsession with Hillary. I actually think her sister looked better than her. Maybe I should ask her out too. I figure my odds (although pretty much nonexistent) just doubled.

Farmers only

Well, after years of pestering from my mom about signing up for an online dating service, I have signed up on farmersonly.com. Not sure if you guys have seen the commercials, but they are absolutely hilarious. Cows out in a field talking about when their owner is ever going to find somebody. Their motto is "City folk just don't git it." Anyway, when I was filling out my profile, there was a section where you choose hobbies. Not kidding you, one of the choices was "muddin". Cracked me up. We'll see if I can get me a good redneck woman. Hope she likes football, Nascar, drinking beer, cooking, and cleaning...

That's Hot.

Good thing we're not in Vegas now, not that we were outside for more than a few minutes at a time:

A heat wave sizzling across the West showed little sign of letting up Thursday, with Las Vegas forecast to tie a record high and even northern Idaho expected to top 100 degrees.

Tourists sip large drinks to keep cool in Las Vegas on Tuesday.

"You can become dehydrated really quick before you know it," said Charlie Schlott, a meteorologist with the National Weather Service in Las Vegas, Nevada.
In Las Vegas, the temperature reached 100 by 9 a.m., well on its way to the forecast record high for the day of 116, according to the National Weather Service. The mercury last reached 116 on the date in 1985.

U! S! A!

No-Bayashi _ Hot Dog Champ Loses
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Jul 4, 3:31 PM (ET)

By LARRY McSHANE

(AP) Joey Chestnut grimaces during Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition at Coney Island in New... Full Image

NEW YORK (AP) - In a gut-busting showdown that combined drama, daring and indigestion, Joey Chestnut emerged Wednesday as the world's hot dog eating champion, knocking off six-time winner Takeru Kobayashi in a rousing yet repulsive triumph.

Chestnut, the great red, white and blue hope in the annual Fourth of July competition, broke his own world record by inhaling 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes - a staggering one every 10.9 seconds before a screaming crowd in Coney Island.

"If I needed to eat another one right now, I could," the 23-year-old Californian said after receiving the mustard yellow belt emblematic of hot dog eating supremacy.

Kobayashi, the Japanese eating machine, recently had a wisdom tooth extracted and received chiropractic treatment due to a sore jaw. But the winner of every Nathan's hot dog competition from 2001 to 2006 showed no ill effects as he stayed with Chestnut frank-for-frank until the very end of the 12-minute competition.

Kobayashi finished with 63 HDBs - hot dogs and buns eaten - in his best performance ever. His previous high in the annual competition was 53 1/2. The all-time record before Wednesday's remarkable contest was Chestnut's 59 1/2, set just last month.

The two gustatory gladiators quickly distanced themselves from the rest of the 17 competitors, processing more beef than a slaughterhouse within the first few minutes. The two had each downed 60 hot dogs with 60 seconds to go when Chestnut - the veins on his forehead extended - put away the final franks to end Kobayashi's reign.

Finally (sigh of relief)

I went out Monday to chase the little white ball. A little recap of my last few rounds ... I think I shot 54 or 56 last time out, 59 before that, and 60 something before that. So my two rounds at 52 earlier were apparently an anomaly.

Anyway, we do something at work where if you exercise for X minutes per week and month you get points that you can trade in for shirts and shit at the company store. The current gig is a chance to win NASCAR gear if you exercise 125 min each week for 2 months. Golf is how I decided to get the majority of my minutes this week - it counts as long as I walk.

I started out double bogey, double bogey. The third is a par 3, I slice it into the soybean field and end up triple bogeying that hole. Well, another round of at least mid 50's on the way. I looked at my scorecard on the 4th tee, saw I had 19 strokes and had to average 5 per hole on the final 6 to break 50.

I duff my drive. But I recover and bogey (5) the 4th. Some how after those first 3 holes, something changed in my game. I got a bit more confident for some reason ... not that I had any previous good shots to build on, but I ended up playing the final 6 in 4 over par, including pars on two of the last 3 holes and shoot 48.

Finally I break 50 on the year. What a sigh of relief.

Almost got me a deer ... sorta

I was up North over the weekend with Julia and her folks. They're all staying the week, but I didn't have the vacation. Julia and I went for a 'date' last night - which was basically just driving to the gas station / ice cream joint / showers / mini golf / restaurant in town. As soon as we turned off her parent's road, we see a deer lying in the road moving it's head and leg and a woman standing next to her SUV that she'd hit it with. There wasn't much damage to the car, but the deer didn't look too good.

I tried to tell Julia this was a reason I needed a gun. So I could at least put it out of its misery. Anyway, I stop for a second, see there's no damage to the car, and then figure the woman's fine ... and well, I gotta take my girl for ice cream. So I drive on and we get to the end of the road and I think I could've at least drug it out of the middle of the road for her. And then I remember I always have a knife on me. I figure I'll get back from ice cream, slit it's throat, put it out of it's misery, and then drag it off in a ditch so another car doesn't hit it and wreck.

We head back after ice cream, but I can't find my knife. I left it in the boat earlier while fishing. So I figure I'll go get it (all this happens in about 10-15 min, the ice cream joint isn't that far away). But when we get back it's dead as a doornail. I stop in front of it shining my lights on for about 30 sec, just to make sure. Juila convinces me not to drag it off the road without any gloves. So we go back and her dad and I walk out to the deer with gloves to drag it into the ditch, but we get there and it's gone.

The only thing I can figure is that some hillbilly drove down the road, saw it, felt it was still warm, and took the sucker home for dinner. Her dad said sometimes the cops will let you take them if you hit them, but there was no one around when we got back from ice cream. So everyone had already left the scene.